A big part of successful communication at work is how you handle disagreements. Most people know how to do it… ineffectively. 😅
First, you listen, then you start your response by acknowledging the other party, and then you say… BUT.
“Yes, X can work, but I think Y is better.”
And instantly, the dynamic is changed forever. 💥 This is because deep down, everyone knows that everything you say BEFORE the BUT is bullshit. That simple little word instantly changes how the other person will hear your message: they won’t. They instantly know that you are invalidating them while seemingly acknowledging their point of view.
The person is instantly on the defensive. 🛡️ They stop listening and start preparing to defend their point of view. And they cannot wait for their turn to go back and argue more for their original point. This is the perfect recipe for never-ending arguments and people ghosting each other. 👻 Not the outcome you hoped for when trying to get people to do things.
So, here is the solution: replace the BUT with an AND. 💡
“Yes, X can work, and I think Y is even better.”
Instantly feels different. Saying AND means that you extend what was said before you. You add to the conversation; you don’t contradict or dismiss it. 🤝 The person feels you are on their side, and together you are even better. They will not feel the need to defend themselves, since AND means you are both right, and together you can work out what is best.
Saying BUT means you may just want to get your way; saying AND invites collaboration. 🤝 Saying BUT shows that you put yourself above the other person; saying AND puts you next to them. Saying BUT uncovers your negativity, contempt, or criticism; saying AND prompts a connection on positive grounds. 🌱
Try it yourself. Replace the BUT with AND, and see the difference in the reaction. Then share your experience. 👇 Funnily enough, this is a lot harder than you might think. 😄
I first heard of this technique from George Abonyi, and I needed 8 more years to be confident enough to write this post. Thanks, Gyuri! 🙏